Someone you love has come out as LGBTQ. Jim Martin, SJ, offers ways to respond with love, respect, and compassion.
In 2013, I saw a documentary I have never forgotten. Facing Fear tells the story of a former teen skinhead, Tim Zaal, and a gay teen, Matthew Boger, whom Tim thought he had killed on a wild night of gay-bashing with 14 others in West Hollywood in the early 1980s.
Matthew’s mother had kicked him out of the house at the age of 13 when he told her he was gay. He lived on the streets of West Hollywood for four years. Tim grew up in an all-White neighborhood east of Los Angeles. When his brother was shot by a Black man, Tim blamed all people of color and became a White supremacist.
In a twist of providence, Matthew and Tim met years later at the Museum of Tolerance in Los Angeles, where Matthew worked and Tim, now a father and a changed man, volunteered. When they recognized each other, they walked away. But the museum leadership asked them to speak to students and groups about their story. Forgiveness and friendship grew out of getting to know one another.
After seeing the film, I couldn’t understand how a parent could kick out her young teen son because he was gay. Matthew’s mother said it was because no one living in sin could live in her home.
Violence against LGBTQ persons is increasing in the United States. The Human Rights Campaign reports that in 2020 the FBI found that hate crimes “based on sexual orientation represent 16.7 percent of hate crimes, the third largest category after race and religion.” But because cities are not mandated to report hate crimes, these numbers are probably much higher.
“Suicide rates among young people have been on the rise in recent years, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention,” reported Dan Avery in an article for NBC News in April 2021, “but gay and bisexual youths are almost five times as likely to have attempted suicide as their straight peers.” In addition, AmericanProgress.org notes that there are between 1.6 million and 2.8 million homeless youth in the United States, and a disproportionate number are LGBTQ youth.
I interviewed Jesuit Father James (Jim) Martin, an advocate for the LGBTQ community, about this reality. Father Martin is the author of the 2018 best seller Building a Bridge: How the Catholic Church and the LGBT Community Can Enter into a Relationship of Respect, Compassion, and Sensitivity and is the subject of the 2021 documentary Building a Bridge.
What Should Parents Do?
Father Jim, you are a compassionate advocate for members of the LGBTQ community. What are parents to do when their children “come out” to them? What if the children are teens or young adults?
The most important thing is to love your child. Every parent knows this, but often they feel unequipped to respond when their child comes out. I often say to parents, “You know more than you think you do.” In this case, you know how to love.
Listening is a big part. Listen to your child’s experiences. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, but always communicate your love and acceptance. Coming out can be a difficult thing for a child.
They’re talking about sexuality, something that’s difficult for any child to discuss with parents. But one of the most crucial things for the mental health of LGBTQ youth is parental acceptance. And one of the main reasons for teen homelessness is LGBTQ kids being kicked out of their houses—by the way, usually for “religious reasons.”
There are, of course, differences in how one deals with a teen versus an adult and times when psychotherapy helps—not because being LGBTQ means being mentally ill, but to help the person through the process. But, in the end, it’s about love.
Remember that God has given you this child, and so God will give you the grace to love them, even if they turned out different than you expected. Are you willing to allow yourself to be surprised and even challenged by the mystery of God’s ways?